The Last Barman Poet
You want poets?
You want poets?
I am the world's last barman poet.
I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make,
America's getting stinking on something I stir or shake.
The Sex on the Beach,
The schnapps made from peach.
The Velvet Hammer,
The Alabama Slammer.
I make things with juice and froth:
The Pink Squirrel, the Three-Toed Sloth.
I make drinks so sweet and snazzy:
The iced tea, the Kamikaze.
The Orgasm, the Death Spasm.
The Singapore Sling, the Dingaling.
America you're just devoted to every flavour I got,
But if you want to get loaded...
Why don't you just order a shot?
The bar is open.
Cocktail Recipes
For the purpose of these recipes a measure is considered to be approximately 30ml, 3cl, or a 1 liquid ounce.
Sex on the Beach
1 measure vodka
1/2 measure peach schnapps
1 measure orange juice
1 measure cranberry juice
Build all ingredients in a highball glass filled with ice. Garnish with an orange slice.
Peach Schnapps
1 measure peach schnapps
Pour into clean shot glass. Regard thoughtfully. Pour back into bottle.
Velvet Hammer
1/2 measure Crème de Cacao, white
1/2 measure triple sec
2 measures cream
Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Alabama Slammer
1 measure amaretto
1/2 measure sloe gin
1 measure Southern Comfort
Dash of lemon juice
Pour amaretto, sloe gin and Southern Comfort into a highball glass with ice. Add lemon juice and serve.
Pink Squirrel
1/2 measure Crème de Cacao, white
1 measure Crème de Noyaux
1/2 measure vodka
1/2 measure cream
Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a cocktail glass.
Three Toed Sloth
1 measure butterscotch schnapps
1 measure Goldschlager
1 measure vodka
1 measure treacle
Pour treacle into the bottom of a large brandy snifter and allow to settle. Add ice. Layer butterscotch schnapps in as gently as you can, mix vodka and Goldschlager together and pour on top. Garnish with a cocktail umbrella.
Long Island Iced Tea
1 measure vodka
1 measure tequila
1 measure white rum
1 measure Cointreau
1 measure gin
1 1/2 measure lemon juice
2 measures gomme (sugar) syrup
Dash of cola
Mix all ingredients except cola together over ice in a shaker. Give it one brisk shake. Pour into a tall glass and add the cola to the top. Garnish with lemon. Hand this drink to a 50kg female and then use the few minutes while she's drinking it to go and put on a prophylactic you'll be needing shortly.
Kamikaze
1 measure vodka
1 measure triple sec
1 measure lime juice
Shake well with ice and strain mixture into a shot glass.
Orgasm
1 measure Cointreau
1 measure Bailey's Irish cream
1/2 measure Grand Marnier
Build all ingredients over ice in an old fashioned glass. Garnish with cherry. It is traditional to order this drink with the following exchange:
Customer: I'd like to order an orgasm please.
Bartender: Well how many would you like?
Customer: Multiple.
Bartender: Well, let's start with one and see where things go.
Death Spasm
2/3 measure Bacardi 151
1/3 measure black absinthe
A few drops black squid ink
Serve in a shot glass. Light on fire. Blow out immediately. Shoot.
Singapore Sling
2 measures gin
1 measure cherry brandy
1/4 measure Cointreau
1/4 measure DOM Bénédictine
1/2 measure grenadine
4 measures pineapple juice
1 1/2 measure lemon juice
Dash of Angostura bitters
Pour all ingredients into cocktail shaker filled with ice cubes. Shake well. Strain into Poco Grande glass. Garnish with pineapple and maraschino cherry.
This drink was invented in the Long Bar of the Raffles Hotel in Singapore, where they have bowls of unshelled peanuts on the tables and patrons are encouraged to throw their shells on the floor, which is perpetually covered in them to a depth of about an inch.
Dingaling
1/2 measure Galliano vanilla
4 1/2 measure chilled champagne
Serve in a champagne coupe.
Shot
1 measure Jim Beam bourbon whiskey
Pour into shot glass. Drink. Wince.
Bonus Points
Red Eye
V8 vegetable juice (original)
1 bottle Miller Light
Dash of Tabasco Sauce
2 dissolvable aspirin
1 egg
Upend the miller into a standard beer glass until it is around 3/4 full. Top up with V8. Add Tabasco and aspirin. Crack egg raw into glass and watch it sink slowly to the bottom. Drink the drink in a leisurely manner up until the final quarter or so, which you'll have to gulp down to get all the egg. Not as awful as it sounds.
Jus D'amour
1 measure white rum
1/2 measure di Maraschino Luxardo
3 measures pineapple juice
1 measure strawberry milk shake
Dash of grenadine
Shake well and serve in a tumbler with ice. Best served to women with "fuck me" written on their foreheads.
Louis Tres
1 measure Louis XIII de Rémy Martin Congnac
Purchase bottle of brandy in a duty free store at an airport for somewhere between $1200 and $2000 USD. Serve in a fine crystal brandy snifter. Don’t allow the cognac to breath after you open it: it hasn’t breathed in 50 years, it’s dead, just drink it. Hold the glass in a cupped palm to allow the warmth of your hand to heat the liquor. Before you take the first sip you should offer a simple benediction: "the luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got."
It is important to drink Louis Tres in a contemplative mood. Survey all that you own and what you’ve made of your life. Ask yourself some important questions. For starters, how about "can some spoiled grape juice ever be worth $100 a shot?"